Your Postpartum Loneliness Is Valid: Here's How to Fix It

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Postpartum loneliness is one of the things that no one really talks about before you have a baby.

No one talks about how you can feel so incredibly alone and like the weight of the world is completely on your shoulders.

And while it may feel like it, you’re not actually alone in your postpartum loneliness because there are thousands of mothers all over the world who feel exactly the same.

Postpartum loneliness was the number one thing that I never expected after the arrival of my child and after doing a recent survey in a group of mamas, it turns out that I am by no means alone!

There are so many reasons for you to feel lonely after having a baby but the important thing that you truly need to know is that those feelings don’t have to last forever.

Why Postpartum Loneliness is a Thing

So often as mothers and humans in general, our struggles seem so much bigger until we voice them.

Saying them out loud and finding the root of the struggle makes such a difference and can be incredibly empowering.

Postpartum loneliness is no exception so I want you to take a moment to read through why you may be feeling the way you are.

Responsibility

When that new baby is placed in your arms there are so many emotions that run through you.

There’s the joy that you feel, the relief that they’ve finally arrived, and the wonder at how perfect and tiny they are.

Once all the excitement settles down (and often when you return home from the hospital) all of a sudden the responsibility sets in.

You are responsible for this child.

When your baby cries, you’re the one that’s supposed to know how to fix it. You need to keep them alive and thriving.

You now have the responsibility of keeping another human alive and raising them well.

When you realize that babies don’t come with any kind of “how to guide” and your mama’s instincts may still feel a little quiet, the responsibility of it all can just leave you feeling as though you’re on an island all by yourself.

It’s all on you

I’m not sure about anyone else, but I remember feeling completely overwhelmed by those thoughts.

I mean, just because my son was mine didn’t mean that I knew exactly what he needed all the time. And in fact, those thoughts left me feeling as though I was somehow less of a mother than I should be.

Here’s the truth – Mamas learn on the job. That’s just the way it is.

So, let me start off by saying that you don’t have to know exactly what it is your baby needs. It is completely normal to be unsure. With time that will change. You’re getting to know your baby and they are getting to know you.

However, with all those thoughts about the responsibility that you now hold can come an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

Even if you’re surrounded by a great support system, you can feel as though everything is on your shoulders.

Isolation

While it’s wonderful that women now have the ability to work in many industries it has led to increased isolation for those that do choose to stay at home with their children.

Neighborhoods are no longer as friendly and open and mothers don’t tend to mingle nearly as much as in times past.

The result is loneliness.

Life is far more fast-paced leaving less time for casual socialising. Families also live further apart and as a society, we are generally more protective of our space and privacy.

While in many areas we have progressed, this is one in which we have done the complete opposite.

If you do have the invaluable support of loved ones then I recommend you take them up on it. Don’t ever feel as though you should be doing it all on your own.

We were never meant to do this alone.

You’re Different

When you become a mama, you change.

Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Of course, you’re still you, but you think differently because your priorities are different.

Some of your friends will change and move on and unless you find friendships to take their place then it can be another factor in resulting loneliness.

Once motherhood arrives spending time with friends becomes a lot more intentional.

It is no longer a case of just getting together because now you have to actually organise both yourself and your child/ren before you go anywhere. Not to mention that it can be super tempting to turn down playdates purely because it is just too much to try and get out the door.

So how does it get better?

Because if you’re in that super lonely state then I know you’re desperate for it to be better. Loneliness can be crushing and make parenting so much harder. But, it can get better. I promise.

How to Say Goodbye to Postpartum Loneliness

While it is makes struggles less scary when we address their cause, the fact is that we need to know how to move forward.

As a mom of three I’ve had my share of postpartum and I’ve learned a few things along the way.

#1 Give it Time

This one isn’t particularly comforting because it isn’t an immediate fix but time really does help.

It especially helps with the first point of the overwhelming responsibility. As time goes by you get to know your baby better and your confidence grows as a parent.

The worry is always there…it always will be, but it stops being so suffocating. You learn what works and what doesn’t and you realise that you’re not totally clueless when it comes to raising your child.

That in itself helps with the loneliness because the burden isn’t quite so big.

You also tend to share the workload more. When my first child was born I felt like it was my responsibility to do everything when in actual fact I was robbing others of a blessing.

Do yourself and your child a favour by allowing others to invest in their lives.

#2 Acknowledge Your Loneliness

I mentioned something similar in this post about overcoming postpartum struggles. We cannot work on fixing problems if we don’t acknowledge them.

There seems to be this passive judgement towards stay-at-home mothers who dare to complain about their circumstances.

Many people would give their right arm to be at home with their children and I’ve seen many a mother belittle a stay-at-home mama because she doesn’t have to juggle working outside the home and all that goes with that.

Can we just make something clear for a minute? Whether you work outside the home, from home, part time, full time, or you’re a full-time homemaker, we ALL have unique challenges that come with our role.

No one is more of a hero than the other and EVERYONE has the right to find things difficult at times. So please, stop playing the game of ‘I’m more of a martyr than you‘ because it doesn’t help anyone.

Please, if you are lonely, acknowledge it. Tell someone and then identify some ways to help improve your situation. You will be a better mother (and person!) for it.

#3 Be Active In Finding Support

Motherhood is one of the most challenging things you will ever embark on in life.

It is full of uncertainty, demands, and unfathomable joy. It is absolutely vital that you are surrounded by people that will empower you on your journey.

Finding those that gel with you and your family can be a challenge but it is well worth the undertaking. You don’t have to have a multitude of friends but even one solid friendship is worth its weight in gold.

I’ve always been someone who has just one or two really good friends and honestly, that’s all it’s taken to help me through the rough patches.

#4 Find Some Way to Be Creative

Back in 2017 I found myself teetering on the verge of postpartum depression. I had a 1-year old and 4-month old at the time and while I was busy and they were sweet blessings in my life, I was struggling.

What honestly changed the trajectory for me was finding a creative outlet. For me, that was blogging.

While blogging has been a tremendous blessing to our family both for my mental health and for our finances, I believe anything that helps you feel creative and fulfilled will help.

What is it that brings you joy and fills up your tank so that you’re not always depleted?

It doesn’t have to be something that you do kid-free. In fact, I would encourage you to find something that can be worked around your child, but find something that helps you.

Final Thoughts

When I see new mamas holding a sweet new babe, I just want to wrap them up in a hug and let them know that they’re not alone.

I can guaruntee that every crazy thought, every struggle, every moment of resentment and feeling of failure has been felt by some other mother somewhere else.

You’re not an island and you don’t have to feel alone forever.