The 3 Simple Things That Can Cure Toddler Jealousy
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Knowing how to deal with toddler jealousy is something that will be helpful to have in your parenting toolbox if you’re expecting another baby.
Toddler jealousy isn’t anything new.
I have no statistics to share, but I would say that most families see some amount of jealousy from their toddler when a new sibling arrives in the family.
Gosh, my youngest child is just over 2 and shot daggers with her eyes when I picked up her brand new baby cousin the other weekend.
Honestly, the biggest issue we had with toddler jealousy was actually when my second baby arrived.
However, the jealosy wasn’t so much directed at his little sister. No, it was directed towards me, his mama.
I was caught off guard by exactly how much he favoured my husband. It got to the point that if we would hug he would run to us and push me away from his daddy.
I’ll be truthful and say that despite everything, it hurt and I wasn’t entirely sure how to deal with it.
However, the solution proved to be more simple than I anticipated.
I’ll share what we did because it might just work for you too.
How to Deal With Toddler Jealousy
Parenting is a constant balancing act of providing both boundaries and grace for your children.
Toddler jealousy can become really tricky because you’ll be so aware of how different life is now for your toddler, but that doesn’t mean that their behavior is okay.
I hope that you can see that the tips I’m sharing are offering a balanced way of addressing the issue and that ultimately you know best what your child needs.
#1 One-On-One Time
Of the three tips I’m sharing with you today, this is by far the one that made the biggest impact.
When my daughter was a newborn, my husband took over my son’s bedtime routine as I was busy settling the baby.
When we were dealing with the jealousy issue, we made the decision to switch roles. I was worried my son would resist because he was so attached to my husband, but I was pleasantly surprised to find my son quite obliging to the change of routine.
That was his heart issue.
He missed his mama.
While making sure that we showed him a united front was important, we would have been fighting a losing battle had we not addressed the heart issue.
I’m not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that after just a week of intentionally spending some more one-on-one time with my son, his jealous behaviour disappeared. I was amazed and equally relieved.
#2 Inclusion
When a new sibling arrives, it is natural to get caught up in the craziness of caring for a newborn. It is also natural for your toddler to feel left out.
This is what can ultimately lead to nasty behaviour. Your toddler is simply trying to get your attention.
“But I’m SO busy! I can’t stop and spend one-on-one time with my toddler all through the day.”
Oh, I hear you, mama! I know exactly what you mean. Your heart can feel split between your two children and you’re not entirely sure how to fulfil the emotional needs of both.
You’re not alone.
I’m no expert. I am only ‘two kids in’, but this is something that helped a lot in those early days.
Inclusion.
You’ll be amazed at how proud your toddler will be when you ask him to help you with the baby in some way.
My son was just 18.5 months old when his little sister arrived on the scene. I had two under two for a while.
You can check out my 7 tips for how I kept my sanity during that time, here.
It was full on, but never terrible. Some of the tasks I would get him to do for me were to fetch nappies or pass me things.
They were simple requests that I knew he was capable of. He took pride in being able to help and felt included in our daily activities. I was able to care for our newborn and spend time with our toddler all at once.
Please don’t fall under the illusion that toddlers need to be constantly entertained by one activity or another. Life is what we live and we should be teaching them to take joy and pleasure in all aspects of it.
#3 Discipline
Oi! I know what you’re thinking. Your toddler is just that…a toddler. He doesn’t know that he shouldn’t act the way he is. This is a big adjustment for him, etc, etc.
Discipline seems unfair.
I agree to an extent.
When I suggest discipline, I don’t mean ‘time out’ or severe punishment. However, if the jealousy you’re dealing with is aimed towards your newborn, then it may very well be appropriate.
Especially if the undesired behaviour involves hurting the baby.
In the case of jealousy towards a certain parent, what I mean is lovingly but firmly letting your child know that the undesired behaviour is not acceptable. For us this just meant a firm telling off.
It may seem harsh, but our marriage relationship comes first.
Our children are a product of our love not what holds it together.
In our home, we strive to show a united front. I back up my husband and he does the same for me. The idea of a child playing one parent against another is not something we entertain.
However, with all that being said, I have never felt that discipline is the whole answer to the issue of toddler jealousy. No. I knew that jealousy stems from the heart and so that is what I needed to examine in my child and work on fixing.
It Is A Phase
Something to take note of is that when dealt with appropriately, toddler jealousy will end.
It is a phase.
Spare yourself the guilt and remember that having a sibling is a priceless gift for your child.
(Read about the truth of having a second child –> HERE)
Their jealousy is not a result of poor parenting on your behalf. It is simply an adjustment to a change in life’s circumstances and a good one at that.
Time Makes All the Difference
I can get on a real soapbox about how society these days pushes women back into the rat race of life far too quickly after having a baby.
It results in unrealistic expectations for many mothers and can be incredibly damaging.
If you’re one of those moms I want you to realize that so many of the struggles you’re facing postpartum, including toddler jealousy, are often resolved purely by time passing.
This is a big adjustment for the whole family and I can tell you that the jealous toddler stage was like a blink in comparison to the rest of the time I’ve had with my kids thus far.
Give yourself grace and extend that to your toddler as well. They’ll adjust and their sibling will be one of the best gifts they ever receive.
This is Not a Bad Thing
I think it’s really important to keep the right perspective on things when it comes to sibling jealousy regarding the arrival of a new baby. Especially with the first child, they’re used to having your undivided attention. Their feelings of jealousy are not surprising.
However, it is a good thing to teach our children to share. As long as they’re getting quality time with us then it is 100% okay that they don’t have your undivided attention all of the time. They will be okay and it will be a good thing overall.
Even if you have a jealous child at the beginning, being intentional about how you deal with it means that positive sibling relationships can definitely still happen.
I mean, when I originally wrote this piece, I only had two children. I now have three and we’re well out of the baby stage.
I’ve got to say that feelings of jealousy never seemed to be an issue when our third new arrival came along. Possibly because my two kids were already used to sharing my time between them.
Final Thoughts
When you’re already wondering how on earth you can help your older child cope with the huge change that’s coming into their life, you can feel so guilty as the signs of jealousy pop up.
However, with regular one-on-one time and different ways of spending quality time with your child, things will get better.
They may not be the center of attention anymore but that doesn’t mean they are any less loved. The best way to deal with toddler jealousy is going to look different for each family. Good relationships take time to foster and the novelty of a new baby does wear off for siblings when they feel left out.
Be intentional about showing little demonstrations of love, speaking positively about both the new sibling and the older child. Give special attention to including them in the care of their new sibling and always remember to give them a daily dose of hugs.
The eldest child holds a special place in the family and it’s important that we show how needed and loved they really are. Toddler jealousy can be short-lived if we’re intentional about combating it!
