What New Moms Need (and what they really don’t)
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Society gives such contradictory messages to new moms. What new moms need is support and yet that’s not what’s usually offered.
If you’re a mother and you’ve never heard or read the phrase “the dishes can wait”…well, I don’t believe you.
The concept behind the phrase is that you need to set aside the things that can wait in order to take time to soak up precious moments with your children.
And I get it. I do.
BUT, it isn’t that simple.
On one hand, moms are told to just sit and enjoy their newborns but on the other, there’s an expectation for them to keep up with everything they did previous to having a baby.
To shed a little insight into why the concept of “the dishes can wait” just doesn’t work…keep reading.
#1 No One Else Will Do Them
I understand the ‘why’ behind the phrase and all its well-meaning, but let me be frank.
Yes, the dishes can wait…for a while, but then (like the rest of the household chores) they start to build up and build up until there isn’t a single plate left to eat off of.
And you know what?
I still have to do them, except the job is ten times the size that it started out being.
When people share well-meaning advice to ‘let the house go’ and ‘take a break’, they forget to factor in that you probably have no cover.
Imagine leaving your working position to go on leave and having no one to cover you. Your boss wouldn’t be happy and you’d return to a stressful pile-up of work to catch up on.
#2 It’s Hard to Focus
Now, with parenthood comes compromise. I’m not disputing that…trust me. I used to religiously dust at least once a week, but now my toddler uses the feather duster as a pretend horse to gallop around the house with.
However, there are some things that just need to be sorted before I can mentally focus.
Read about my everyday routine here –> How To Have A Balanced + Productive Routine As A SAHM
I know not everyone is like this, but there are sometimes that I can not relax until I’ve finished a job.
I DO want to spend time with my children, but that time needs to be quality time, and if I’m not mentally focused on being with them, then it isn’t quality at all.
#3 It Affects Mental Health
Thankfully it is becoming increasingly known and understood that:
If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy.
A study even showed that it has a greater impact than poverty on the life of a child! Now that’s saying something.
Your mental health matters, as a mama, as a wife, as a woman…as a person.
It affects those around you and has a profound impact on those you hold dear.
I’ve personally experienced both prenatal and postnatal depression. Both experiences were awful and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone.
Read about how to work through postpartum struggles here –> 3 Effective Ways To Overcome Postpartum Struggles
The reality is, that for some, having a messy home negatively affects their mental health. I’ll be the first to attest to the truth of that!
Clutter has actually been linked to the state of your mental health –> The Surprising Connection Between Clutter and Your Mental Health
So, we’ve established that while the phrase is well-meaning, it isn’t particularly helpful. Here are five things you can say instead:
What new moms need and how to help them
#1 Can I Bring You A Meal?
Whether you’re recovering from the birth of your child, or a seasoned mama with little ones of all ages, getting dinner on the table can be a challenge.
Having a meal plan helps a bunch but I know that for me personally, having someone drop off a home-cooked meal is like heaven on earth on those crazy days when you can barely keep your head above the water.
Alternately, there are some incredible meal services that will deliver straight to your door.
Some wonderful friends of ours gifted us two weeks worth after the birth of our second child. It was incredible!
Also…you know how we talked about the whole “dishes can wait” thing? Well, a great idea is to bring around some disposable plates.
That way everyone can eat without creating more work.
#2 Can I Do Some Chores?
Laundry, vacuuming, dusting, sweeping, etc, etc, etc.
Just ask.
Even if they don’t take you up on it, they’ll appreciate it. I have this wonderful cleaning list which made it so much easier to delegate jobs after the birth of my second child.
It’s super simple and easy to set up and then direct either people in your household or anyone that wants to help with what needs doing.
#3 Can I Watch Your Kids?
If she has a couple of children or more, she might need a nap or some time to herself.
The one exception to this is if she’s just had a new baby.
Aside from watching the baby so she can take a shower or a nap, she’ll probably want to be curled up on the couch soaking in all that new baby goodness.
So, instead of advising her to ‘leave the dishes’, say ‘Here, sit. I’ll take care of the dishes and I’ll watch your kids!’. 🙂
#4 Can I Get You Anything?
Sometimes getting out of the house is so much of a mission with kids that it just doesn’t seem worth it.
Other times you’re just not in the right state of mind to actually make yourself presentable enough to head out into public.
Do a mama a favour and offer to pick up what she needs. 🙂
Ask her for a list and a time that works for her. Also, don’t expect an invitation inside when you go to drop things off.
She may very well want a visit (especially if you’re a close friend) but don’t have the expectation of one. Sometimes it’s just too much to entertain in those first early weeks.
#5 How Can I Help?
This is the last point because unless you know the person well, this is so general that they may very well turn you down.
However, if you’re close then ask this open-ended question.
Make sure you’re willing to follow through though because if you’re not, she’ll remember that too and when she REALLY needs help she will mentally take you off of the list of people to turn to.
That’s not to sound harsh, only honest.
So, what do you think?
What is some unhelpful advice that someone has offered and what do you WISH they had said instead? Let me know in the comments.
