The Best Tips for How to Survive a Difficult Toddler (that you need today!)

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Once upon a time, I was a young mom who thought that I would never tolerate tantrums. After all, I wouldn’t be that kind of parent. However, since I’m writing a post all about the best tips for how to survive a difficult toddler, you can assume that my young-mom self was rather naive.

As I’m sure many other moms can relate, I was the perfect parent…before I had my children.

I knew the newborn days would be difficult with the lack of sleep but once we were over that hurdle it wouldn’t be that hard, right?

Then came the toddler years.

Now, I don’t want to paint toddlers in a terrible light. I love the squishy cuddles and the way they often say their words all wrong. It is utterly adorable.

It’s also their saving grace in many instances because boy, the toddler years can be hard!

There are so many BIG feelings that the entire family must apparently be subjected to. It can be hard to find the balance of allowing your child to feel all the feels but also understanding that the whole world does not, in fact, revolve around them.

To be honest, I dislike the term, difficult toddler. It feels too all-encompassing as though that’s all they are.

In truth, our children are so much more than their most challenging moments. However, when you’re in the trenches of toddlerhood, it can feel as though you’re barely surviving from day to day.

If you can relate and you’re wondering if things ever do get easier, keep reading…

5 Tips for How to Survive a Difficult Toddler

Why are toddlers sometimes really difficult? Why have terms such as “the terrible twos” and “threenagers” been coined?

There are so many reasons. Think about all the transitions they’re going through and the difficult time they have adjusting to everything and then having to adjust again.

They’re going through so much brain development.

Not to mention that their language skills are still lacking. The level of frustration must be immense! Just imagine how your child feels!

We may not always be able to discern the reason for toddler tantrums, but there always is one.

When in this stage of life, we can choose to despair or we can choose to find joy and not wish away every second. There are effective ways to work through this stage of parenting.

With that said, I’ll be sharing a lot of my personal experiences and some of the best ways I’ve found to cope with having a difficult toddler.

First of all, someone who has never had a difficult toddler just won’t be able to relate.

I’ve got three children. They’ve all had their moments but two of them were far more challenging toddlers than the other. They were the two that had me calling my mom in utter despair.

However, I can offer you encouragement because although it is hard, it is not forever and there are some really good tips to help both you and your toddler through this stage.

With that said, let’s start chatting about those tips.

#1 Stop Taking Your Toddler’s Behavior Personally

As I said before, I’ve got three children and I’ve parented them much the same. Yet, each of them has their own personality and character traits that are unique to them.

One was an easier toddler than the other two and yet there have only been very subtle differences in the way that they’ve been raised.

One of the most difficult parts of learning to deal with challenging toddler behavior is to let go and not take it personally.

Now, I know this isn’t easy when they’re absolutely losing their minds over who knows what in the grocery store.

You can feel all of the eyes burning into you as you try your best to discretely calm your toddler down and exit the store.

It feels as though their aim is to mortify you and prove that your parenting skills are very obviously lacking.

However, once you realize and accept that your toddler’s behavior is only your responsibility to a certain point, it really does help.

Keeping things clear and concise helps to keep you grounded and focused. I’ve found it the best way to stay rational in times of high emotions and stress.

I tend to keep a running list in my head of all the reasons my child might not feel themselves.

Are they tired? Are they hungry? Do they feel unwell? Have I done a poor job of communicating?

Once I’ve covered those basics and find that everything is actually fine, then it becomes easier to cope with the behavior.

Most likely, I’ve said no to something and my child just does not like to be met with resistance when they want something.

If that’s the case, then their reaction to my perfectly reasonable stance is not my responsibility.

Is it fun to hear them wail? No, of course not. But, knowing that their behavior is simply their rather loud way of opposing my decision makes it easier for me to not take it personally.

#2 Remove Them or Yourself From the Situation

There’s a balance to be had when it comes to allowing your toddler to express their feelings while also respecting the rest of the family.

I don’t expect my children to never share their feelings about something, but not at the expense of the entire household.

When I have a child that is having temper tantrums that just cannot be calmed, I either remove them or I remove myself.

Otherwise, things tend to escalate and it never ends well for any of us. I either lose my temper and say things I regret, or they just get more and more worked up. Or, worst of all, I give in to their wants and they learn very quickly how to keep pushing until they get what they want.

When one of my children is just completely overwhelmed by their very big feelings and is being very disruptive to the family, I take them to their room.

It’s a safe space where they can continue to have those feelings until they’re able to calm down.

I’m not talking about giving them a timeout. It isn’t a punishment. It’s a way to remove stimulation that is not helping the situation.

Once they’ve calmed down we can have a more rational discussion along with lots of cuddles.

Sometimes I’m the one who has to step away to breathe for a few seconds and clear my head. If you’re starting to feel your temper rise then I suggest you do the same.

#3 Focus on Quality Time

Sometimes, when you have a toddler that is challenging with their bad behavior, you may be inclined to want to just not be around them. Screentime can be an easy way of babysitting so you can have a break.

I get it. Truly I do, and I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take a break when and where you can.

However, typical children desperately want and need our time and attention. In my experience, there is something healing when it comes to snuggles and physical affection.

Despite the fact that they’ve probably exhausted you beyond belief, spending 5-10 minutes snuggled up in a chair reading a book together will be completely worth it.

Another thing to consider is how vastly important play is to a child. It is the way in which they learn and communicate best.

I’ve never been a mom who gets down and plays pretend with her children, but there are other ways to essentially do the same thing.

Reading together, doing crafts, baking, and generally doing life together is so good for both of you.

Let them feel included.

#4 Call for Backup

Now, I know this isn’t an option for everyone. In fact, most of my parenting journey so far has been done without many friends or local support. Yes, my husband is an incredibly hands-on father, but he also works long hours.

That meant that the days were long when dealing with difficult toddler behavior.

There has been more than one occasion when he’s walked in the door and I’ve gone straight to my room for a reprieve.

If you have someone who can give you a break, take them up on it.

Something that has often held me back is the toddler behavior itself. I mean, if I’m struggling to deal with it, how could I possibly expect someone else to?

Here’s something that I’ve learned…my toddlers behave the absolute worst for me. They do things with me that they would never do with anyone else.

They will be little angels in the presence of others and turn into right ratbags the minute they’re back home with me.

Some say it’s because they feel the safest and most loved with their moms. Maybe that’s true, I don’t know, but I’m glad they behave with others.

If someone offers to give you a break, take them up on it. Being consistent with toddler discipline is not for the fainthearted. It is okay to need a minute to catch your breath.

#5 Be Strict with Rest/Nap Time

As I mentioned before, I’ve not had a lot of local support while having young children. I also homeschool and so my kids are literally with me 24/7.

Without rest time during the day, I would not be a pleasant mom.

That aside, toddlers need rest. I know that some drop their naps early, but that does not mean that they don’t still need some downtime during the day.

For their sake, and for your sanity, make this a non-negotiable priority.

I was always so grateful that even if we were having a particularly bad day, I could count on rest time and bed time for a reprieve.

That doesn’t mean that my toddler would go down without a fight. Oh no, no, no. There were all the excuses under the sun about why they couldn’t possibly be separated from me for more than a second.

However, as I did with the checklist before, I made another rational checklist to go through.

Do they have water? Have they had food? Are they safe? Do they feel loved?

You see, toddlers have a way of worming their way into our hearts and twisting with their pleading words. It can make it so difficult to stand firm because you start to question yourself. I mean, am I a monster after all for not letting them have a 3rd snack before bedtime?

Maybe the leg that they were walking around perfectly fine on just before bed really is broken and they need a massage and to sleep next to me?

It sounds ridiculous but when you’re tired and you just want them to go to sleep, you’ll start to second-guess yourself.

Make your checklist that you can mentally go through and then be loving but firm. Rest time is necessary for everyone.

Now that I’ve shared some tips, I really want to hone in on the most important thing you can possibly do. It is also the hardest thing to do.

That is to not allow your toddler’s difficult behavior to dictate your emotions.

Before you read much further, I want to wholeheartedly admit that I’m very guilty of letting difficult toddler behavior change my attitude and actions.

However, it’s something that I am always striving to be better at. Think about what it means to let your toddler’s behaviour dictate your emotions. Their moods can change like the ocean. If you’re both doing that, it’s going to end badly.

Parenting a toddler is challenging and can wear away at you (as much as we love and adore them!).

They’re growing and learning at a super fast rate and often struggle to cope with all the changes.

You are no longer dealing with a baby, but with a toddler that is going through development on almost a minute-by-minute basis.

It is so hard.

It’s 4:30 pm and you’re trying to get the dinner on. Your toddler is begging for more snacks, even though it feels like they’ve been eating all day long.

When you say no, the tantrum that follows is predictable. You think, “Can bedtime arrive any sooner?!”. In truth though, having to go through the bedtime routine also sounds exhausting!

I’ve been there. I AM there.

Well, it’s not exactly 4:30 pm, but every day there are meltdowns. Every day there is behavior from my toddler that wears away at me.

I know I shouldn’t let their behavior affect my emotions, but I will admit that it does almost daily.

There are some very real reasons why I (and you) shouldn’t let it, though.

#1 You Need to Be the Calm

No one can deny that toddlers’ emotions are erratic.

One minute they can be giggling hysterically, and the next they’re having a total meltdown because the cracker broke in half.

It’s exhausting.

Here’s the thing, though. They’re learning. They have yet to master controlling their emotions. I mean, hey, I’m still working on that one!

Essentially, they’re all over the place. This is where you come in.

You need to be the calm. You need to be the one that can take a deep breath and count to ten.

I think you’ll agree that if you’re panicking about something, and you go to another person who is also panicking, your panic doesn’t lessen, it intensifies.

The same is true with your child. If you allow their emotions to control yours, you will only be adding fuel to the fire per se.

Your child needs a place of calm. They need you to be their constant. This is so important.

I think most of us have heard the phrase:

“If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”

It’s so true! A mother’s mood undeniably affects the tone of the household. Be the calm that your child needs and everyone will be much happier.

Kids thrive in a home where there is consistency and boundaries.

You can provide a positive parenting atmosphere by not taking their behavior personally and instead, showing them love in a time when they need it the most.

When it feels as though everything is turning to chaos focus on the fact that you can control your own behavior.

#2 It Will Rob You of Your Joy

There are many things that can rob us of our job, but I’m going to say that we are in control of the vast majority of them.

No, we’re not necessarily in control of the circumstances, but we are in control of how we react to them.

I will be the first to raise my hand and say that I frequently lose it. It gets to 5 pm and I am oooooh so ready for the kid’s bedtime. I’m tired of the constant toddler mood swings, and I’m just ready for a mental break.

Something that I’m learning, is to see past the toddler meltdowns. Otherwise, if I let their behavior control my emotions, I will be left exhausted and depressed.

You see, I cannot base my joy on the behavior of my child because that changes practically by the second. My joy has to be found in something solid and consistent.

For me, that is my Saviour. Christ is always the same. He never changes, and so my joy can be consistently found in Him.

#3 It’s Not Personal

I talked about this already but this one is SO important to note. Before we get into it, I need to clarify something.

There are some parents out there that aren’t paying much attention to their children’s behavior. They don’t discipline, and they aren’t providing healthy boundaries. There are no logical consequences for their child’s negative behavior. In those cases, the behavior of their children is somewhat personal.

They are doing their children an injustice, and what I’m about to say is not relevant in those cases.

However, for the vast majority of us, I do think this applies.

It’s not personal.

Your child’s behavior is not personal. They’re not doing it to you. It’s not your fault (at least most of the time anyway, ha!).

It is normal toddler behavior.

They are learning and exploring ev-er-y-thing in their world.

It is human nature to push boundaries. It is also human nature to thrive within them.

If you’re like most good mums I know, you’re doing your best. You’re being consistent, and you’re trying to guide your child to make good decisions. It’s not an easy task.

So, when you’re about ready to ‘lose it, remember this. Your child is a child.

They are not demonstrating this behavior because of something that you’ve done wrong. They are more than likely behaving that way because that’s what toddlers do.

Not just your child…toddlers in general. It’s not personal.

With all that being said, I get how hard it is to put it into practice.

There has been many a day where I’ve wanted nothing more than hide under the covers in my bed and be left alone. But you know what mama? These days won’t be around forever.

Once they’re over, your toddler will be a child, and then a teenager, and then an adult. The tantrums will be over, but they will still explore the world in different ways, and they will still need you to be their calm.

That fact will never change. Keep on keeping on mama, you’ve got this.

More Tips for How to Deal With Difficult Toddler Behavior

While it is good to be reminded about why we shouldn’t allow our toddler’s behavior to affect our attitude, it is also so good to know how to deal with it in a healthy way.

Some of my best tips can be found in this post about being a calm mom.

The overwhelm doesn’t necessarily end with the toddler years and therefore it is crucial to have tools in your belt to help you cope and cope well.

When I deal with my toddler’s difficult behavior it is far less about them and so much more about myself.

Taking deep breaths, getting on eye level, and showing patience are things that I try my best to do because they really do work.

And for the times that they don’t and my behavior is about to become ugly, I step away, or I put my toddler in a safe space (like their room) while I regroup.

Helping your toddler through difficult behavior is as much a lesson in character training for you as it is for them.

Now, at 5.5 my son knows to stop and take a couple of deep breaths if he’s feeling frustrated.

That’s something that we’ve practiced for years and now I’m seeing it pay off.

Consistency is key!

Doing small things over and over results in big achievements.

Focus on what matters in the long run. Choosing your battles is wise. Before you say no to something or ask something of your toddler, consider if you’re willing to follow through with the logical consequences should they refuse or throw a tantrum.

Consistency is vitally important to a toddler. If you cannot be consistent with boundaries then reconsider what you’re asking of them. It becomes a relentless cycle when they know that you’re not going to follow through with what you’ve said you will.

Decide whether the issue is really going to matter in the long run, or if there can be a compromise.

When Does Toddler Behavior Improve?

When you’re in the thick of dealing with difficult toddler behavior on a daily basis you may be wondering how much longer you’re going to have to go through this.

Let me encourage you that it definitely won’t last forever. As toddlers’ speech abilities improve things tend to settle a lot.

However, not all behavior is a result of a lack of ability to express themselves.

As a parent, you’ll still need to know how to deal with toddlers that don’t listen and how to correct unwanted behavior.

If you do not work on teaching and disciplining your toddler now, then I can assure you that the difficult behavior won’t just go away.

Take the time to guide them while they have a teachable heart and you will both reap the benefits in time to come.

To Sum It Up

The toddler stage is refining for sure! We have a choice to find joy every day or to simply wish away time.

One is perhaps the more difficult mental choice but it is ultimately the more rewarding of the two.

While you may have a difficult toddler they will for sure display good behavior as well. Focus on that. Focus on their strengths and point those out to them. It makes a difference.

The good news is that everything is a season. Your toddler won’t be a toddler forever and the work you put in will pay off.